4 Things that Destroy Families and Relationships
Updated: Nov 29, 2019
People often give recommendations and advice to the problems of others, but many times, this complicates everything and destroys the relationship.
From a young age I heard the expression, "One thing is what you see and another thing that happens with the doors closed." This is a typical phrase that describes reality about couples. What people see, is often very different from what happens. Who is not involved in a relationship can realize reality, but not always.
A good example occurs with women because biologically we are designed to talk a lot. This implies that we can sometimes say what we should and should not say since it is difficult to control the language. This means that on other occasions people may or may not realize the reality that we live behind closed doors, but when we speak we open a door for other people to give their opinions, usually women. In this way, they know our reality in detail. Of course, reality from our point of view, which does not always inform true reality or conceals another part of the truth.
There is a tendency to want to advise when someone tells us about any situation, even if it is not a problem. Even, many times people who have a problem are looking for someone to listen to them, not for the advice and whoever listens does not let them finish talking to give their advice or tell them what to do.
I have noticed several peculiarities in the advice of people who try to help another, but in the end, they complicate the situation:
1- Good intentions that destroy our lives. I don't know if anyone who reads to me has heard the expression "Hell is full of good intentions." This means that with good intentions we do wrong and it is very common while we advise. The fault is not only of the adviser but also of the adviser because many times he does not know how to discern which people or advice to listen or ignore. This happens because when we touch emotions we usually react impulsively.
Many of those who advise only know what they know, but there are always clear and specific details of the situation, which are not said and left unnoticed. The omission of details does not have to be premeditated. These may be forgotten or seem insignificant.
For example: if woman A tells her friend that her husband arrives drunk every night, there is a lot of scandals and the neighbors call the police. Maybe A will tell her friend the kind of scandal her husband makes and the things he says. But maybe he doesn't tell her that when he arrives he also physically abuses her in front of the children.
Suppose that A tells her problem about being physically abused. The advice may vary depending on the person who is giving it. For example, if her mother gives the advice, and she was also abused by A's father or stepfather. The mother would possibly tell A that she belongs to her husband, and she has to endure for the children and she stays holding on, until one day they almost kill her. If the advice is from a friend who has never been abused, she will probably tell A that she should leave that relationship, and even bother with A if she is unable to leave her partner.
2- Each person's advises are based on the experience. People usually speak based on what they have lived, or what they have seen from others. For example, A is a man who by working hard has neglected his wife, and he has had three relationships already. All the previous wives also have cheated him. He believes that women must be in continuous supervision, because of the bad experience that he had.
Suppose he is a friend of B. B's wife occasionally leaves with her friends while he works. These trips can be to the store, the beauty salon and other places. When the friend finds out what friend B's wife is doing, he will give him the advice to forbid him from leaving his wife, as he could be unfaithful. He tells his story to B and he probably creates a conflict in the partner of B. The friend advises B based on the experience he has lived. It is very likely, also, that his advice is very emotionally charged, with great intensity and feeling for what he suffered, makes B begin to think about things that do not exist and see reality differently towards his wife.
3- Believe that all cases are equal. The reality of each couple is different no matter how similar it is to another since the actors are different from different realities, therefore, their particular case is different from that of the others.
I know a case of someone close, which is a good example. That friend has a good husband, she may not be the best in the world, but as many women would like to have one: responsible, dedicated to the home, she doesn't date friends, among other things. My friend worked with other women, who had had several husbands and told their coworkers things.
One day, she tells me that she will leave her husband and move in with her son for illogical reasons. She tells me about the friends who would supposedly help her move and advised her to separate from her husband, because of the way she was behaving. I did an interrogation of everything he told me about the husband and the advice of his co-workers.
My friend is someone with little experience of man and the street, but her co-workers, having several failed relationships, for them to leave one more was nothing. They would supposedly help my friend with the move, but I discovered that they would make her dependent on them since she didn't have the conditions to move alone with her son.
When inquiring about what my friend intended to do, she referred to her friends, that they had separated, rented an apartment alone and that the other friend did such another thing. None were able to realize that they were different cases, with different realities and also what justified as an excuse for separation, was no reason to separate. It was simply a situation that merited both of them sitting down to talk to find a solution. Well, that was my advice and they solved the problem. When my friend separated from those other friends, the relationship with her partner improved.
4- Want to advise when those involved do not see a problem. No couple is perfect and they all have a degree of dysfunctionality. What works in a couple does not have to work in others. What is a problem for some is the point of balance in other relationships.
It means that sometimes some couples have strange ways of doing things and interacting, but this does not mean that it is wrong, they just do things differently from others. For example, a man is too detailed with his wife, he does most of the housework, while his wife rests or does nothing. The wife seems to feel good as is obvious, but a husband's cousin realizes that dynamic and advises him not to be that way with his wife.
What the cousin does not know, is that the detailed and consenting man does not satisfy his wife. The wife has complained, because of the same problem, and she becomes irritated. The couple, to survive the situation, reaches a kind of implicit agreement, that is neither has spoken, but both are well or agree with it.
When a man is unable to satisfy his wife, it is humiliating and morally affects him emotionally. He, so that his wife feels loved and pays less attention to the problem, gives her flowers frequently, takes her for a walk, to have dinner outside, does most of the housework, among other things. Details are a way to compensate for your deficiency. The wife, on the other hand, pays less attention to the husband's problem, feels loved and safe with him.
The relative who gave the advice sees what is happening, but is not aware of the problem of his cousin and the implicit agreement of the couple. Wanting to help your cousin with what you understand is a problem, it would provoke conflict. He may bother because he advises his cousin and does not get carried away.
Moral: if those involved are well and do not see a problem, do not open your mouth or do not get carried away if advised. Many times couples look for strange solutions or balance points that for others can be shocking.
Another advice in this same direction as that of a vain woman, her husband is authoritarian with her, he has her as his servant, but he supplies all her expensive tastes. People who see the case from outside refer to it as "the poor ..." and the husband as an inconsiderate abuser. They have also made their agreement. He will supply all her expensive tastes, but it is not free, she has accepted and feels happy because she is satisfied with what is most important to her.
Generally, people do not know about implicit agreements and therefore the advice will not work. No one allows anything if they do not receive a benefit. If a member of the couple is permissive or dedicated to an unusual limit, they may want to compensate their partner for tolerating or letting go of any deficiency, problem or condition they have. If the couple does not accept the agreement, they will complain and the conflict will continue.