• A Little for Everything

Reasons Why Many Relationships do not Work

Updated: Oct 24, 2019

By: Maria Baez

The answer to that question is simple: because that was the couple each one has chosen, with his reality and situations. That answer sounds silly and meaningless, but next are some ideas to explain.

There are people who say that the word "Boyfriend or Girlfriend" means that they did not see and in a certain sense may be true; but not always. Many times, people do not see because they do not want, since all who see put the situation in front of their eyes. They see and justify what happens and realize that is with the wrong person, but they cling to it. Other times, people do not see and believe they continue with Mr. or Mrs. perfect. The reason for not to see is because of falling in love that blinds everybody. Father Liniero (Venezuelan Catholic Priest) wrote a book called "If you are in love do not marry." It is something that sounds contradictory to what is learned but it is right. The problem is not the crush, but the way people feel when they are in love.

Comparing the crush with drunkenness, there is a parallel that drunk sees reality in a distorted way, the woman who never liked it looks attractive, the weak one thinks that is Superman, the shy one becomes extroverted, among other things. In love, the reality is often distorted. The drunk cannot make rational decisions, because he only acts based on feelings and emotions in his drunken state. The person in love is drunk with illusions, hopes, desires of the company and in some cases of love. It means some cases, because the lover may believe that he loves and not be like that, love is confused with feeling in love. Love is a mature feeling in which there is awareness and the person is accepted despite their limitations. Falling in love is more illusion than feeling and reality.

Many people say that their partner changed or that people have changed after they got married. These statements are wrong because nobody changes, they just did not see the reality or did not want to see it at the time. There are attitudes that can occur in certain situations that only living together with that other person could realize. If there is not the opportunity to see them, it is impossible to know them, unless the person says so. Even, many times the person informs anything about himself and the partner does not believe it, or the other does not pay attention, because he does not see signs of what they are told. Some common situations that contribute to the failure of relationships are:

1 - Refusing to see reality: if for example, a woman has a very jealous boyfriend, gives her much love, even worse if the woman needs affection. The man makes her emotionally dependent on him, wants to control everything she does because he loves her, therefore, she cannot have friends because they are a bad influence for her and even the family separates from her. This woman in her process of drunkenness sees that this man gives her "everything she needs": security, love, affection, understanding, etc. Other people notice that the woman has changed after she is with that man, because of jealousy, the insecurity that she will leave her, etc. In the worst case, the man one day in an outbreak of jealousy hits the woman, but she lets him pass because she may think that he was sought for not informing him where she was going or who she would date.

That man always said that he would be an abusive man, the others could see that something is wrong, but the drunkenness was stronger and she did not see it.

2- Think have superpowers: Sometimes people are in love with a person who saw that it was not the right one or had qualities that they do not like but want to change it. No one is going to change anyone. Nor will anyone take trauma from anyone, and the other changes only if they are willing when they want. An example of this is someone who likes to go out on Fridays after work, but if the couple is more homely and does not like those kinds of activities. While at home the woman thinks about all the maneuvers she will make for the other person to change, and if they are single he thinks that when they get married he will make her change, but what a bigger lie! It happens that those who like parties can feel pressure because he understands that he dedicates every day to his partner and Fridays are his. Who stays in the house can feel more frustration because their plan has failed and in the end, the relationship is destroyed. This type of situation can occur with the exits, the use of alcohol, sharing with the family of origin, habits, among other things.

Whoever thinks they can change their partner, is simply wasting time. To know if that is the right person before taking a big step in a relationship like getting married and having children; Make a list of all the things that dislike and think about it. Will I be able to endure this for the rest of my life? If the answer is No, think about it. If the answer is Yes, think about how. If the chances are that the situation would worsen and not be able to withstand that intensity, staying in that relationship could be the chronicle of a death announced.

3- Expectations that will not be met: No one is to fill anybody's empty spaces. Although in moments, the couple covers part of a gap in the lives. Everybody have emotional needs, which in many cases people want the couple to meet them. If the couple is not able to meet those emotional needs, the frustration will be greater and the dissatisfaction in the relationship.

A person who has come from a home where he has received affection, feels safe and committed to his partner, will give without any problem to the extent of his possibilities. If that person is looking for a partner with low self-esteem, insecure, with affection deficiencies, there may be conflict because he will want to fill that void that his parents left him. The demands of the deficient person can be very large since he believes that his partner is responsible for his happiness and for giving him what he has never received. When the couple does not give him the affection he expects, he may give up because he believes he is not loved or is unfaithful, argue frequently, constantly claim affection, and the couple every day feel more pressed, cornered and saturated with pressure.

4- Marry by commitment. This usually happens when the couple has a long relationship, and at least one of the members has lost interest in the other but continues the relationship by a commitment to her and/or the family. In that kind of relationship, there is no longer the magic of falling in love, there may be love, but the feeling is more of friendship than erotic. The person feels unable to break the relationship because he fears not finding another person, because his partner is a good person and loves him or for personal interests, among other things. Worst of all is that many times these relationships end after married and have children, which is worse. In other cases, it is a relationship of constant conflicts if both decide to stay together. Others remain in the relationship to pushing and going through traumatic processes which affect both members of the couple and the children if they have them.

5- Feeling accustomed to the couple, but not in love: when someone marries a person who does not really love him just by habit, both one or both members of the couple have likely created a relationship of emotional dependence, but without love In these cases, at least one of the members of the couple has lost interest in the other, but at the same time is afraid to risk being alone and looking for another partner. When this happens, the family is affected, especially intimately because there is no interest. The feeling is rather as if the couple were their brother or sister. Many have learned how to cope with the relationship by the level of dependence, but if the couple is very sexually active, the conflict may be greater, especially if they are unfaithful.

6- Seeing each other's defects and not recognizing ours is a poison in the couple. Many people spend their time humiliating, criticizing and noticing everything negative about their partner, but I ask this question, how much have I had to do with my relationship not working? A couple is made up of two people and the two have somehow contributed to the problem. Possibly one more than the other, but each one puts a little towards the problem.

Sometimes people say they are willing to make their marriage work, they go to different counselors, pastors, priests, the sorcerer and none can help you for a simple reason. "They are willing to make their relationship work by changing the other, but they don't." Possibly the other person has more than you to change, or maybe you are the one who has the problem and blames the other.

In summary, the two sides must put in their effort for the relationship to thrive. A very common example of the aforementioned is the case of a woman who fights a lot, for everything. The man feels saturated and sometimes does not want to go to the house so that they are not yelling at him. The woman complains that the man spends time in the street drinking, with friends or whatever. Even a second job may look for not being at home.

The saddest part of all this is that many times the woman is not able to realize the problem, she can only see what is affecting her, but not her husband. The man by his side often thinks of providing for the family, believes that this is enough and does not take time to talk with his wife. She likely has health problems, work, with a child, but the man does not seem to care. At least it is what the woman thinks and feels for the attitude of the man. The woman is likely to shout at her because she doesn't listen to her and is always in other things. The man does what I said earlier because the wife fights a lot, but at no time has the man tried to empathize with her to understand what is happening to her or what her needs are. Whose fault is it? Of course from both. None have sought the right way to express their needs.

7- Incompatibility of the members of the couple. This expression has been very fashionable and even taken as a joke. The reality is that the more compatible the members of the couple, the greater the possibility that the relationship will thrive. The expression "Opposites attract and equals repel" applies to physics, but not necessarily to human relationships. Another term or term widely used is that of "half-orange", but both parts of the orange are different just like the couple. The relationships between parents, siblings, friends, boss, and subordinates that are closest, are those that share common interests. This is not related to the same or similar personality, rather it refers to sharing things in common. If I do not like sports and the other person is a fan, they will want to share with you about the subject, but if you repel them completely, they will try to find a person with the same interests to share ideas.

In the incompatibility of characters, it often has to do with marked differences in the differences in the level of education of both, social classes, differences in religion, culture, entertainment, attitudes, customs, personality, etc. It does not mean that these differences make the relationship fail, the problem is if the couple does not know how to handle them and they do not find a midpoint where they both feel comfortable.

When there are differences of interest in members of the couple, if one of the two does not yield, the relationship is doomed to failure. A clear example is a difference in religious beliefs. Let's imagine that the couple is composed of two people of different beliefs and both are very active in their churches. They believe they handle the situation perfectly; one visits the other's church and even makes a marriage celebration where both parties participate. When these situations happen, it can be noticed that one of the couples is always more intense than the other and less open or flexible.

Perhaps, in your church, they ask or comment on why your partner does not accompany you. If you are accompanied, you may feel pressured or pressured by members when they invite you to activities that you are not willing or willing to go. If they have children, even if they agree to take them to both churches, everyone always wants them to attend their church or prefer their religion. In these cases, I have seen the following: The weakest member of character ends up pleasing his partner and abandons his religion.

Another scenario is that the couple has conflicts because the son wants to go to the church of one and not the other. In the worst case and the most common, the children do not go to any church. This is only an example, but there are many situations that while we are in love, we seek magical solutions to what is almost impossible and then when we see the reality, we hit the wall.

Not all cases are the same, there are exceptions, but there is a tendency to repeat the same patterns. If the person who is reading me at the moment is going through a difficult situation in their marriage or their partner for any of the situations mentioned above, I recommend that you seek advice with a professional or person who can help you save your relationship. In other cases, they may not need extra help, but if a little reflection and carrying out a change plan could help.

If the person who is reading has a problematic relationship, is not married and has no children, I invite you to analyze the situation well before deepening the relationship with that person. Try to visualize the future with the problems they have and how they could get worse, then ask yourself the following question: Will I be able to endure this for the rest of my life? If the answer is no, I invite you to reflect on the relationship and good luck if you decide to continue. If the answer is that you can stand it, I invite you to continue reflecting so that you are sure that you are taking the right step and you will not regret it.

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